


If Tomorrow You Won't Be Mine

by PeachyPerfect (tomssweetheart)



Category: Call Me By Your Name (2017) RPF
Genre: Anger, Boys In Love, Break Up, But Still Hopeful, Established Relationship, Feelings, Goodbye Sex, Goodbyes, Light Angst, M/M, Making Love, Sad, Sad Ending, Sexual Content, Tears
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-02
Updated: 2020-12-02
Packaged: 2021-03-10 00:22:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,136
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27841441
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tomssweetheart/pseuds/PeachyPerfect
Summary: I knew, before I even grabbed the door handle of the front door to the house I would soon be leaving, that I would not be ready for the sight I would be greeted with. There was no way in hell you were going to make this easy for me, but I couldn’t blame you. I deserved it.Iwasn’t even making things easy for me. Living a lie wasn’t easy. Pretending to be something - or someone - I’m not wasn’t easy. Looking back on my life and how I’d handled things, I couldn’t help but think that nothing had ever been easy and the hardest part had yet to come.
Relationships: Timothée Chalamet/Armie Hammer
Comments: 48
Kudos: 67





	If Tomorrow You Won't Be Mine

**Author's Note:**

> So I was listening to Love You Goodbye from One Direction and this came out. If you want the full experience and sob like a baby, listen to that while reading this. This has no happy ending, but end in potential hope and determination to fight, so I hope you won't be too upset ♥ I photoshopped that picture of Timmy btw.

[](https://ibb.co/QpLrLcN)

**Oh, why you wearing that to walk out of my life?  
Oh, even though it’s over you should stay tonight.  
If tomorrow you won’t be mine,  
Won’t you give it to me one last time?  
Oh baby, let me love you goodbye.**

I knew, before I even grabbed the door handle of the front door to the house I would soon be leaving, that I would not be ready for the sight I would be greeted with. There was no way in hell you were going to make this easy for me, but I couldn’t blame you. I deserved it. _I_ wasn’t even making things easy for me. Living a lie wasn’t easy. Pretending to be something - or someone - I’m not wasn’t easy. Looking back on my life and how I’d handled things, I couldn’t help but think that nothing had ever been easy and the hardest part had yet to come.

Getting on that plane first thing in the morning wasn’t going to be easy. Forgetting you… Well, that wasn’t going to happen anytime soon, if ever. 

When I did finally regain some control over my shaking hands and managed to get the door open, it was like the wind was knocked out of me and I suddenly struggled to breathe. I wasn’t ashamed to admit that, for the first time in however many years, I felt the need to sink to the floor and cry my heart out. I didn’t. I stayed strong; if not for me, then for you. It was what we did; what we had always done and I couldn’t let myself fall apart in front of your eyes.

You looked phenomenal. The tight, black jeans you knew I loved to see you in; the light grey, crew neck sweater that fell across your torso _just so_ ; the Louboutin boots… You looked like you came straight from a magazine, even though you used to call that your ‘simple Sunday’ outfit and right at that moment, I wanted to call the whole thing off. Cancel my flight, cancel my reservations on Grand Cayman and cancel my entire current life. But I couldn’t do that. I couldn’t cancel on my kids and you knew that. Which was why you had come over.

I knew you would never have asked me to choose between yourself and my children, but I guess, in a way, that was what was happening. Because if I chose you, I would lose them and if I chose them, who knew how long it would take for me to find my way back to you? I couldn’t do that to you and I think you’d figured that out along the way. So, you chose for me and even though I wanted to say that it was easier for me that way, it really wasn’t. Another example of why nothing was ever easy.

“Let’s go sit outside,” I told you as you stepped over the threshold. I saw how you hesitated for a second, but then you stepped up to me and into my arms and I had never felt more relieved. You may have been about to walk out of my life, but at least we still felt familiar to each other. I knew I would never forget the way you fit into my embrace.

“Can I have a water, or something?” you asked, scratching the back of your neck as you stepped back and I instantly knew that you were dreading this as much as I was. 

“Of course, yeah,” I nodded. I closed the door behind you and gestured for you to make your way to the backyard. As we crossed the kitchen, I grabbed two bottles of water from the fridge and handed you one of them when we sat down in the lounge chairs on the deck. Our fingers touched and that same electric current I had experienced for the first time back in Crema shot up through my arm and straight into my heart. The heart you had so brutally dug your way into and where there would always be space for you. In case you ever changed your mind.

“So, how was, um… How was London?” Your voice caught in the back of your throat and the small talk you were initiating was killing me. I didn’t want to talk about fucking London or the fucking movie shoot I had just finished. I didn’t want to slowly progress to talking about the fucking pandemic, only to eventually slip over into the subject you came here for. I just wanted to… I didn’t even know what I wanted.

“It was good,” I answered anyway, humoring you, because I knew you were stalling to find your composure. “I missed L.A. weather, though.”

“Yeah, I bet,” you chuckled. “So, did you-”

“Tim, can we-,” I sighed and rubbed a hand over my face. “Can we _not_?”

“I’m sorry,” you immediately stuttered as awkwardly as you always did when you were feeling emotional. “I can’t do this, Armie.” Your voice trembled as you spoke the words and even though I had known they were coming, my heart still sank to the bottom of my stomach.

“You think this is easy for me?” I grabbed the arm of my chair with my free hand, still holding my water with the other, and planted my feet firmly on the tiles beneath them to ground myself. I felt like I was going to lose it; like I was going to lose the one thing in my life that hadn’t been a lie. It had been a secret, but never a lie.

“Of course not,” you fired back, your brows furrowing in disbelief and I suppose I was being a little harsh. You had always been a considerate person. Maybe that’s why this was happening. “A break up is never easy, Armie. For neither party involved.”

I groaned and squeezed my eyes shut. “God, why do you always have to be so fucking smart? You’re allowed to say dumb shit every once in a while, you know.”

“I’m going to take that as a compliment,” you said, lightly kicking my shin. I jerked my head back up and from the small moment we made eye contact, I could feel my stomach twisting up in knots. I was going to miss you.

“It was,” I told you, a bit more gentle this time. You nodded and said nothing for a while. The only sounds hanging between us were the birds in the trees nearby and our slightly heavier breathing. Yours sounded ragged on the inhale and I wondered if this was really what you wanted. Then again, you had never done anything you didn’t want.

“It’s better for both of us,” you eventually whispered, your exhale unsteady. “I can’t… I don’t want to be the third person anymore. I want to be all or nothing.”

“Timmy, you’re everything to me.” There was no hesitation in my voice, though it was slightly wavering. “I wish I could somehow prove that to you, but-”

“But you have responsibilities,” you interrupted. “Children to take care of, a wife you-”

“A wife I’m about to divorce,” I said, my voice growing louder again, desperate almost. “I told you that we were in the process of… Whatever, but then this fucking pandemic started and I just… I have to get to my kids, Tim.”

“And I understand that,” you said, worrying the corner of your lips with your teeth. “But who knows how long this virus will terrorize us? I can’t- Armie, I’m hurting. Every day without you hurts and I just can’t spend my days hoping for you to choose me anymore. It isn’t fair to me.”

“What about what’s fair to me?” I shouted, instantly regretting that I had raised my voice, but I couldn’t take it back. I felt hot tears stinging behind my eyes.

“You have to figure out what’s fair to you. Once you give in to what you want - to who you are, Armie - you’ll find out exactly what you deserve and what’s fair,” you told me patiently. “But I refuse to just hang on for the ride. It’s too much.”

I put my water on the table between us and threw my head back against the backrest of the chair, closing my eyes again. I knew you were right; it was completely unfair to you to expect for you to just stick with me while I figured out the dumpster fire that was my life. As badly as I wanted to, I couldn’t give you the world; couldn’t give you a hundred percent of me. You were right by walking away from me, but it still hurt like nothing had ever hurt before and my chest constricted painfully. I could feel my eyes watering behind my eyelids and I bit the inside of my cheek to keep the tears at bay, but it was a futile attempt. The first tear rolled down my face, quickly followed by a few more and before I knew it, I was crying for the loss of the most important relationship I’d ever had in my life. I cried for the fear of not ever being able to repair what we had, if you’d even give me the chance.

There was a rustling sound, my chair shook and before I could open my eyes, your body was pressing into mine. Your thighs were straddling mine, our stomachs were pressed up against each other and your curls were ticking my chin, the side of my face, like they had done so many times over the last four years. You wrapped your arms around my neck and all I could do was squeeze you against me, knowing that it might be the last time.

“Please, don’t leave yet,” I pleaded on a whim. I couldn’t watch you walk out the door yet, knowing I wouldn’t see you again, at least for a while. “I don’t want… Timmy, I can’t-”

“Shh,” you whispered, squeezing the back of my neck. “I can stay.”

I nodded and held you just a little bit tighter. Everything was going to be different tomorrow and I needed to say goodbye to you properly. My body needed to say goodbye to you. I felt like I’d crumble under the pressure I put on myself if I wouldn’t hold you one more time; feel your warmth and smell your scent, so that I could store it away in my memory.

“Come inside with me?” I choked out against the side of your face. I nuzzled your hair and brought a hand up to tangle my fingers into your perfect curls. “Let me… Let me love you.”

“Armie…” Your voice broke as you pulled back and I quickly shook my head, looking up at you, into your beautiful ponds of green.

“No, I know. Just for tonight, Tim,” I whispered, before swallowing the lump in my throat. “One last time. Please,” I added, tucking a curl behind your ear. You seemed to hesitate for a moment, rolling your lips over your teeth. When you pouted them again, they came back dark pink and slightly damp and all I could think about was how I wanted to kiss you before it was too late. I wanted to savor you.

“Yeah, okay,” you eventually agreed, a flush high on your cheeks. I sprung into action immediately, afraid that you’d change your mind before we even reached the stairs. I grabbed on to your thighs and stood up with you in my arms, your booted heels digging into my behind, just below my belt. Maybe I was imagining things, but it felt like you were holding on for dear life and for that, I was grateful. I was dreading saying goodbye to you; was already regretting the choice I’d have to make in the morning, but at least you felt the same.

I carried you inside, up to the first floor and into my bedroom. Not the master bedroom. I hadn’t slept there in weeks, not even before I had left for London. When we reached the bed, I carefully lay you down and I couldn’t help but take in the sight if you. Your dark hair against the light grey, cotton pillowcase; the graceful arch of your waist on top of my sheets; your thighs, still covered by those sinfully tight, black jeans, almost spreading on their own. I was going to devour you and make sure you would never forget me, just like I was never going to forget you.

You looked up at me, a familiar flicker in your eyes and I nodded. No words were needed. We undressed quickly, our clothes landing in a heap on the floor by the side of the bed. Your legs wrapped around my hips again the second I got between them and for the first time in months, we were kissing. Your lips were warm against mine and it only took seconds for your tongue to request entrance, which I gladly granted you. It all felt so familiar and I wasn’t sure if that was a comforting thought, of if that was what hurt the most. You were and would probably always be the person who knew most - everything - about me and I knew there was never going to be anyone who could fill the void you’d leave me with.

I prepared you quickly with the lube I’d stashed away in the nightstand. You never needed much, keen to feel all of me and as much as I was concerned for you sometimes, it was also something I loved about you. Would I ever enjoy sex again if it wasn’t going to be with you?

When I slid inside you, you dug your fingers into my back and I pressed you into the mattress, covering your entire body to make you mine for the last time. We moved in cinq - so well practised, we didn’t need to communicate to know what the other needed. I made slow, passionate love to you and kissed the side of your neck. I didn’t think I would ever cherish the sounds you made so thoroughly, but I did. They were like music to my ears and I never wanted the tape to stop playing.

As your sighs of pleasure grew into desperate little whimpers, you tried to slip your hand between our bodies, so that you could touch yourself, but I took a hold of both of your wrists, pushed them over your head - into the pillow - and held them there. 

“Armz,” you sobbed against my cheek, your teeth grazing my skin. “I need-”

“No, you don’t,” I said, sucking on the skin over your pulse point. I could feel your cock leaking between us, leaving a sticky trail on both our stomachs. “Just be patient, I’ll get you there.”

“Just… Harder,” you pleaded. I lifted my head and looked at you, making sure you understood what was undoubtedly showing in my eyes. Then, I shook my head and rubbed the tip of my nose against yours. I rolled my hips and angled them upwards, knowing exactly what you needed. As I kept wondering if I would ever feel this close to someone again, I suddenly remembered that my heart wasn’t the only one that was going to end up being broken in the morning. Would you ever feel as close to someone as you did to me? Was I easy to replace, or would you pine for me the way I was so sure I would always do for you?

“I love you,” I whispered, bracketing your head with my forearms. I started pressing soft kisses all over your face with each thrust of my hips. “I love you,” I repeated, letting go of your hands to cup your cheeks and rub my thumbs over your protruding cheekbones. They came back wet and it was only then that I noticed that you were crying. The lump in my throat grew and the pain in my chest flared up, worse than it had been. “I love you,” I told you one last time, before I smashed my lips against yours and kept them there, our tears mingling. I kept them there when I felt how you began to quiver underneath me. I kept them there when your fingers wound themselves into my hair and tugged. I kept them there when you finally came apart and streaked your release between our bodies, marking me as yours, even though you wouldn’t be mine anymore by tomorrow. It was when I followed you over the bring and came inside you, that I broke our connection. Instead, I pressed my lips against your temple and shuddered through my orgasm.

We eventually relaxed against each other and I wrapped you up in my arms, not ready to let you go yet. I hadn’t realized how exhausted I was; hadn’t realized how badly I was handling my emotions, until I felt myself drifting off. You scratched my scalp with your nails and I sighed. Whether that was because it felt nice, or because I didn’t want to acknowledge the fact that that sensation would be taken away from me in the morning, I wasn’t sure. All I knew was that right before I fell asleep, you pressed a kiss to my collarbone and whispered:

“I love you too.”

* * *

When I woke up in the morning, it was still dark outside and the house was deadly quiet. Your side of the bed was empty, cold even, so you had been gone for a long time. I understood. We both would have broken down if we’d actually said goodbye at the door. But even though I understood, my eyes still started filling themselves with fresh tears. I had officially lost you.

I took a deep breath, pressed my palms into my eyes and ran a hand through my hair, before I picked up my jeans from the floor and took out my phone. It lit up with one unread message and it hurt to see your name on the screen. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to read your last words to me, but I did it anyway and then let the tears flow. As I grieved for the loss of you, my dearest Timmy, I promised myself that I would fight and that I would come back to you. One way or another.

**Timmy Chalamet**  
_You are truly the love of my life. If this is  
the end, I will forever be grateful that you  
gave me the chance to feel alive. If it’s  
meant to be, we’ll find our way back to  
each other. For now, try to be you, Armie.  
You’re too beautiful to suffer.  
I love you._

**Author's Note:**

> I promise, I won't do this again. Feel free to yell at me ♥ @peachyperfecta03 on Instagram and getmehighonmagic on Tumblr!
> 
> Even though I'm a little proud that I can do more than porn :')


End file.
